The holiday season is a time filled with joy, love, and togetherness. For many high-achieving women experiencing perfectionistic behaviors, it can also bring its fair share of challenges, especially when compounded by difficult family dynamics. Some families are dealing with clashing personalities. Others may be dealing with unresolved conflicts or differing opinions. In many situations, these difficulties can quickly change the atmosphere from one of joy to one of stress and tension. Balancing the drive for excellence with the pressures of familial expectations can create a perfect storm of chaos.
In this blog post, we'll explore strategies to help high-achieving women navigate the holiday season while maintaining their mental and emotional well-being.
Understanding Perfectionism
Perfectionism is often viewed as a positive trait and can be a strong motivator for obtaining success. However, when perfectionism becomes all-encompassing and unrealistic, it can lead to stress, burnout, and strained relationships. Check out this great article by Medical News Today about the effects of perfectionism on your mental health. High-achieving women, driven by the desire to meet impossibly high standards, may find themselves caught in a cycle of self-criticism and external validation. This experience can create additional stressors around the holidays given some of the societal and personal expectations around holiday gatherings. Understanding your relationship to perfectionism and the role it plays in your life can support your overall health, and improve your relationship with yourself.
Recognizing Toxic Family Dynamics
To effectively manage difficult, and potentially toxic family dynamics, it's crucial to first recognize and understand them. Toxicity can manifest in various ways, such as constant criticism, manipulation, consistent boundary violations, or the imposition of unrealistic expectations. High-achievers may feel an intense need to prove themselves, leading to heightened stress levels during family gatherings. It is essential to keep in mind that if a situation is harmful or unsafe you must prioritize your own personal care.
According to Fuschia M. Sirois and Danielle S. Molnar, "A central premise [...] is that vulnerable perfectionists exhibit multiple types of perseverative and intrusive thinking that fuel their distress and stress".
Set Realistic Expectations
One of the keys to coping with difficult family dynamics during the holidays is setting realistic expectations. As much as you may want to it is essential to remember that you cannot change others. However, you can control how you respond to them. Accept that there may be disagreements or tensions and focus on managing your own reactions. By letting go of unrealistic hopes for a perfect gathering, you can reduce the pressure you place on yourself and minimize disappointment. One suggestion is to create a mantra or statement you can say to yourself if you find yourself becoming increasingly affected by others' actions. For example, “I am responsible for my own inner peace”. Repeat this to yourself as many times as necessary.
Establish Boundaries and Practice Self-Care
During the holidays, it's essential to establish and communicate your boundaries to protect your mental and emotional well-being. High-achievers often struggle with boundary setting for fear of how they may be perceived and how others will respond. To maintain your well-being as a high achiever you must be willing to communicate openly with your family about your limits and expectations for the holiday season. Be firm yet respectful in asserting your needs, whether it's regarding personal space, conversation topics, or the duration of your visit. With clients, I suggest they have an “elevator pitch” already prepared for when they need to quickly assert their boundaries around uncomfortable topics. One example is “Thank you for being curious about my life, and at this time that is not something I want to talk about”.
Additionally, it is important that you prioritize self-care by taking breaks, as necessary, engaging in activities that recharge you, and seeking support from trusted friends or loved ones. Honouring your right to boundaries, and investing in personal self-care will increase your tolerance during difficult moments and improve self-esteem. There are many ways to learn about boundary setting. Schedule a consultation for therapy with me where we can address boundary-setting techniques or join the next cohort of Reclamation a literary group that utilizes literature as a vehicle for healing inconsistent boundaries and other challenges.
Practice Self-Compassion
High-achievers often struggle with self-compassion, as the pursuit of perfection can overshadow self-care. During the holiday season, it's essential to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you're doing your best. Embrace imperfection, both in yourself and in your family, recognizing that nobody is flawless. Self-compassion is a powerful tool for reducing anxiety and fostering a positive mindset. Another way to build self-compassion around the holidays is by having gratitude. Taking time for gratitude can improve mood, and sleep, and decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression. Check out this free gratitude journal to gain more self-compassion this holiday season.
Madeleine Ferrari and colleagues state that"the practice of self-kindness, consistently reduces the strength of the relationship between maladaptive perfectionism and depression for both adolescents and adults.”
Seek Additional Support
If the tensions within your family persist or become unbearable, professional help can be a valuable option. A neutral third party, such as a therapist can provide high-achievers with guidance for developing communication and self-validation skills. Sometimes, sharing your experiences with someone outside the family circle can provide valuable insights and emotional relief. Remember, there is no shame in seeking outside assistance when needed, as it can lead to significant improvements in family relationships and overall well-being.
What To Remember
For high-achieving women navigating difficult family dynamics during the holiday season, finding a balance between perfectionism and self-care is crucial. Understanding the role of perfectionism and your own family dynamics is key to maintaining your well-being. Remember to set realistic expectations, establish boundaries and prioritize self-care, practice self-compassion, and seek professional help when necessary. By employing these strategies, you can create opportunities for a more peaceful and enjoyable holiday experience, fostering healthier relationships within your family.
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